Im 20.

Finally Im 20.
I'll remember the 19th's.

Spinning out of hand, I lost myself.

" I don't deserve it,.."

It felt like the past, when you called and yelled at me..
Ever felt like you're here but you're not really there?..
Im not making sense alr..

I just kept dragging.

You're like a tattoo..

This came real bad on me. I wonder if anyone bothers anymmore.
I seriously didnt realise what has become of me..
And I didnt even realise everyone was leaving.

Left alone, no one to turn to.
I dare not even call up anyone.
I realise I dont have anyone to fall back on too.
Dont despair..Im equally pathetic.

Yea fucking do something about it, better than fuck here fuck there.

This coming from someone who was "my best pal.."
Thanks alot.
I guess if you didnt chided me. I'm still being as,.. I cant find that suitable word to describe,
basically..
I've let people around that used to cared down..
and now..they're slowly drifting away from me..


why do i feel the ache so much?..
Maybe it's best that everyone leaves me.


Can i jus end this life....
I hate myself.

Sometimes I envy others that have really great pals around, remembering you.
Celebrations..etc etc.
Fun filled memories, long table filled with people, friends.
Filled with laughters and joys.

I dont remember any of mine like that.
Hahas. How awkward this feels, now I know why I dont want it to happen at all.
And Im not saying I dont have great pals around okay..hahas. =)
Im just feeling very "Emo-tic" this morning.

And I seriously cant recall...arrgh. My memories are failing me.


Im so not looking forward to it.

Tired.

Tired. Extremely tired.
Lethargic.
5 pills.

goodnight.

When you've got no faith, no confidence, no nothing, what will you tell yourself?..
It happened before, and I told myself, everythings gonna be okay, it's gonna be alright, yet, things still happened. Im holding back this time round, no longer having the courage to take another step forward.
It was nice sitting down talking bout the good old times, yet at the same time extremely depressing, sitting side by side with the once called "Love/Dear"..
Yes, memory lane, extreme killer.

I've cried myself to sleep once again.

"Now we've lost it all, nothing last forever..
I'm sorry, I can't be ..."

I've choosen not to say so much..
It's not within our control..
That piercing pain. I've not really gotten over it.

goodbye.

Holidays

Holidays are like just a day away , consider the fact that it's already 2.31am Friday.
In about another 4 hours time i should wake up and prepare for school..

Im seriously very lazy, but Im gonna try and push myself. I guess I've chose not to go for the photoshoot later on..
So i guess my plans for Friday would be to go to school and thereafter head home to nap a while before meeting Xinyi for gym, which I hope I'm DETERMINED. lol. Man, I needa lose weight.
I've gained another 2Kg just like that..BOOm..

shall continue later..
nites.

-----Edited----

Okay, so I've just WOKE UP. Fucking hell. =( I manage to give my friend a MORNING CALL at 6.30am, yet I SLEPT back. Damn fucked up. =(

Called the people regarding the photoshoot, hais. See, lack of determination, everything gone.

Hahas, I knoew what to wish for Christmas this year; to lose alot of weight. hahas. Damn.

Alright, alot of pictures to upload, shall start with yesterday, then followed by Mr Ryan's 21st Birthday. Lazy to bore you guys out, enjoy the pictures..

[ The Outing with the ladies yesterday ]

( The top I intend to get.. =) on Sat. )

Pictures from Ryan's Chalet...

[Jo & Andeline]

[ Andeline & Suzhen using my phone to camwhore!!! and even set as wallpaper!!]

[ Me and Bird Day Boy.. ]

[ Getting the BBQ started..]

[ I've forgotten what Ryan was talkin bout..hahas..]

[ I just look like some dumb fuck..hahas.]

[ I didnt realise Ed was tryin to steal the limelight. ]

[ I LOVE Sweetpotatoes.]

[ Makan Time! =) ]

[ Handsome Ed's " feng huang dian qui xiang" ]

[ Me and Jieying ]

The Attack..waaha.

Slow yet torturing

Okay, knowing that at the end of the month you will get at least a pretty sum of money, gets you going each day.
But as days goes by, the health is deteriorating.
I've lost appeal in food. Been a long time since I sat down had a nice dinner, and a good laugh.
It sounds so bloody pathetic as Im typing this out, man I need some entertaining shit man.
I'm losing myself, I've worked hard, yet I dont feel the accomplishments.
So difficult to comprehend aye?..

I wonder where it's heading

Some say move on some say you're not ready to move on.
Im sticking to my own grounds, I cant help it at times.
I'm still stuck. I definately let a few people down. Some say, this is something only I can help myself with, some thinks it's a very small matter.

If all these "some says" made sense, am I too stubborn to understand that?.
I know Im trying to prove something here, but.
I dunno how to put it. Damnit.
This definately gonna affect people around me, be it one way or the other.
Im shutting myself up these days.
Shutting those thoughts, having sleepless nights, great.

Things Im suppose to use my brains- Accounts, studies, refuse to be in use.
Instead issues like the matter of the heart, the mind, me-myself, people around me.
I cant..just cant..
Okay maybe I can if I stop telling myself I cant..
But seriously Im contradicting what I belief and what Im thinking.

----Just now..
Was watching Heroes, now Im watching it again on StarWorld. Hahas, now Im stuck to this show which is not doing me any good, it's past bedtime, hahas! like I really sleep that early.
Now Im like a psycho talking to myself..damnit.
" Kiiiiiiiiiiiiilllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll You! " hahas, Achmed something if Im not wrong, hahas.
Oh yea, "Brothers & Sisters " seems like a nice show to watch too, but my mum is kinda irritating while watching that show with me just now, she just cant stop commenting on how FAKE people could get, come to think of it..at times you seriously cant help it, dont you?..

Phew..this seems like a long entry or it isnt?..
There's just too many things on my mind man..

Like what I told peishi..
I've isloated myself. Hahas.

Transit

This is what actually happens when you insist on watching " Transit ".
It ended around 3 plus am. Thus, I overslept and missed out the first 2 hours lecture, just completed photocopying my stupid resume thingy for CDP.
Im dreading school alot.

My stupid printer is giving me tons of problems, my friend tried to help me the other time through MSN, it was seriously cool, watching others controlling your mouse and everytthing, which I'm not suppose to mention a word bout it..hahas. Anyway, the printer wasnt fixed. It can only scan/photocopy.

I feel so lazy now to even move my butt out of this chair. =(
Alright should head to school now, CDP at 12pm.

Ciaoz.

Been very tired, must be the hangover.
I literally dozed off the minute I sat down on the sofa.

This week seems to get by real fast.
36 months..
But humanly impossible. 23 Nov 2010.

Waiting.

36 months..

What will you do?.. 36months..
Let fate decide. Time will tell..

Fuuny how things have changed, now I'm slowly sliding back..
I hope I did the right thing, funny how my thinkings contradicts me.
Everytime I wanna hold you back, apart of me takes 2 steps back.

Someone please slap me awake.

I kept asking myself.. "why?.."

Hasnt been having adequate rest since dunno when, this week seems to be dragging.

It happened again, while I was at Suntec..
Entwinded memoirs.. tears streamed down..

That 6 page long message, I just felt like calling back..but I slipped my phone back.
Cus, I always remembered, in the past whenever I tried to call back/ replied, I'll get the same scolding.."Dont you understand English?!" hahas..
Funny..how things changed..

Im feeling so giddy now, not sure if I can pull through for work later..
2 days absent from school..alot to catch up.
Busy working next week, I need rest, plenty of rest.

I simply cant stop thinking for these few nights..
What have I done?..

I walk alone.

Burnout

My mood isnt that fantastic today, with people asking me for "...." early in the morning aint making my day any better.
I will remember to pay, my pay is coming in only on the 15th please bear with it. =( Damn.
At the rate im going, I guess I'll really burnout on Sunday, one more day to go. Perservere.

Today will be like "full shift" Clinique in the morning and rush down to Expo in the evening.
I feel so fucked up. I hate being threatened.
So I woke up feeling grouchy. FUCK THIS MAN. =(

AAAARGH.! Bear with it, I cant help but whine, fucked up shit, damnit.
Stress and nothing seems to go the right way, aaaaaaaargh.
Crap, just downright fucked up. It's all HER fucking doings man. argh, FUCKED UP SHIT.ARGHHHH..why she just cant let me take off!! ARGH! =(

Super Import Night

At first it was nervous, stressed out, standing very still like a block.
Waited and waited, my partner was late. I was left all alone to "stand around".
It was an eye opener, there were loads of pretty girls and awesome rides.

Stress level up!..

Falling down in circles.

Work all the way till Sunday. Hope it tires me out.
Even if it couldnt be helped.

Missing out..

Been missing out on the good old days when I just sat infront of the com and gossiping, catching up and more gossiping with Ms Goh on Msn!! and a few others like Ms Heng that will irritate the shit out of me with her-"do you miss me?, do you love me?.." all her nonsense shit. Hahahs, damn, I'm outdated alr..
And I know I'll get bombarded back if I said " People let's meet up!!!" cus I'm always saying that and yet I'm always not free..how ironic is that.

And I still owe Ms Goh- Ikea, Hard Rock..etc Omg.
This month is an extremely BUSY month.With more work assignments, and school assignments pilling up, I'm dreading school once again. Damnit.

It's weird how sometimes, minor stuff can be triggered especially among friends. And the victim is innocent. AAAArghhhh, this is seriously CHILDISH.